You just know it’s gonna be good when you see the word “DISCLAIMER” to start! Hahaha!
What you are about to read is my personal take on the exciting experience referred to as, “Moving”. Keep in mind, I love to rant – and most of what you are going to read has been intentionally composed with a “tongue in cheek” overtone.
Moving – about as much fun as slamming your fingers in a car door. There is just SO MUCH TO DO! Usually not enough time to do it...and of course there are plenty of things that are bound to go wrong!
Let's take enjoy the all together:
Packing: Where to Start?! Can I just toss out some of this stuff? Maybe leave it as a Bonus for the people moving in? OH MY GOD!! It's absolutely incredible how much useless crap is accumulated. It's every where. Old toys, lost tools, that DVD from BlockBuster Video you lost 9 years ago! Then there's the stuff like old Gift Bags and flattened wrapping paper...seriously, Why Do We Keep This Crap?!
Wrapping Glass Ware: Wrap carefully…after all you don’t want to break the dishes or your aunt’s “Pig Figurine” collection or those DUMB “Precious Moments” knick knacks! Remember that Useless Crap comment from earlier...well, here is a perfect example!
Organizing a Moving Party: You know these guys…the ones who say, “Oh Yeah!! You can call on Me! I will help you Move!”…and usually these are the guys that never show up…you know who you are!
Keeping Your Moving Buddies Sober: I admit it, I bribe my friends with the promise of Cold Beer if they help me move. The problem though is that my friends don’t see it as a “reward” for helping me, rather they see it as – “FREE BEER! GET AS MUCH NOW BEFORE ANYONE ELSE GETS HERE!!” – and this usually begins when they show up….and apparently, 7:30 in the morning is “not too early for a beer”.
Cleaning Up: It’s bad enough you have to pack up every room…now you have to clean it?! Totally unacceptable! Well -Suck it Up Princess – get the Swiffer!
Loading Vehicles: As much as we want to avoid it – we usually end up doing it…unless you hire one of those fancy Moving Companies. But even then…there are those “Special Things” we need to move ourselves…you know what I’m talking about…the “Special Things!” (I won’t say anymore on the subject…for fear I may incriminate myself! Hahaha!)
Carrying the Couch: This is usually a “One Part Tetris” and “Twenty Parts Cursing!” You nearly need an engineering degree just to fit one of these things through the Front Door!
Carrying the Hide-A-Bed Couch: All of the above…AND IT’S HEAVY! Not just heavy…but HEAVY! My God! Who thought this was a good idea to put in the BASEMENT! I love carrying HEAVY objects UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS! I just can’t wait to try to get it through the Front Door! CURSE YOU HIDE-A-BED Manufactures!
Carrying the Dressers, Bed Side Tables, Beds: Not as bad as the Couch…but still a drag. You have to take out all the drawers, dismantle the bed…oh, and let’s talk about those AWESOME Steel Bed Frames! The “Wall Gashers!” No matter how careful you are…you can count on hitting the wall…and either making a sweet dent – or a dirty looking gouge. Moving is FUN!
Keeping the Dog or the Kids Entertained: Okay…Pet’s – toss ‘em in the kennel, or tie them up in the backyard – Easy! Kids on the other hand…you shouldn’t tie them up in the backyard. I am a parent – and I have had to move with Kids…it’s incredible how they pick the most in-opertune time to come and “ask you a question” or “need your help”. Usually you are on the bottom end of the dreaded Hide-A-Bed (CURSE YOU!!) and your 5 year old runs up behind you in a panic and says, “DAD! COME QUICK!!”…talk about being between a rock and hard place…you can’t just drop the couch – you immediately think that your child’s life is in peril…”What’s Wrong?” you ask…then, the reply, “There's a Bug!”...it's these moments that are precious.
The Drive to the New House: You have one guy driving with one arm out the window holding the mattress to the roof of the car (okay, so that actually has happened to me…I admit – I am cheap.), and then you have your “buddy” with all the “Fragile/Breakable” items driving ahead of you like he is Mario Andretti and is urgent need of getting to a toilet (potty humour…it’s always funny)!!
PAYING the Mover: It beats moving the Hide-A-Bed…but it still sucks. Especially when you have calculated for 4 hours and they “surprise” you with a BONUS hour that you just didn’t account for, making it 5 hours…I’m not making this up either…you may get charged for a full hour for both their drive FROM their place of business and back TO their place of business! What’s worse – these bandits won’t even open the door to unload the furniture until you pay in full! I love surprises. How about you?
Unloading the Vehicles: Of course you start with Mario Andretti’s Vehicle…not really Mario – just your idiot friend who thinks he is Mario. You just know something has to be broken! And surprisingly – nothing is
broken, correction, nothing is “noticeably” broken…just wait, it’s coming…see “Unpacking”.
Unpacking: You finally get to the new house, you’ve unloaded everything in to the empty home…and now it’s time to put everything in it’s designated spot. Everything is just fine. The dishes aren’t broken, your Aunt’s figurines have made it, even the Flat Screen has made it without incident. Then you notice it…that prized possession that means so much to you…it’s broken. Why? It’s the eternal cosmic question – there is no answer. It just is. It’s always MY STUFF that Get’s Broken! It never fails – when something breaks – it’s usually mine…and “No.”, I did not break it. And nobody else knows what could have possibly happened!
Cleaning Up: Yes, you had to do it at the old house – but guess what – the NEW home is likely not clean enough for your “INSERT FEMALE HERE” (wife, mother, mother in law, grandmother, etc), okay – so maybe it’s unfair to point the finger at the ladies – but from my experience…and being a “FULL ON DUDE” – As long as there is no “offensive smells” – I am good to go – Cleaning the new place become s”optional” – it usually waits until “INSERT FEMALE HERE” comes along and makes me do it.
There you have it. So, now that you know how I feel about moving…please don’t ask me to help you move. Unless of course you have Free Beer!
And one final note, when it comes to friends, the good ones will help you move...but the "BEST" ones will help you move a body!